A) I know the blog title says it's peanut butter jelly time but patience is a virtue so let's practice that for a few minutes, k? I'm not going address the fact that I've been m.i.a. for over three months now. Or at least not after this. I've been busy. And in an interesting place. Mentally, not physically. Physically, I've been in Austin. You know, hanging out, eating tex-mex, buying stacks and stacks of unnecessary cookbooks, but mostly working AT MY NEW REAL ADULT JOB! Which brings me to
B) I have a job now. Praise Jesus. And it's a paid position that counts as my three month externship. More praising Jesus. I'd like to introduce you to the newest baker at Delish, the cutest, hippest, most adorable little bakery in downtown Austin. We do all sorts of fun stuff but we specialize in gourmet cupcakes and please believe me when I say they're by far the most wonderful cupcakes in the city. Here's why: cupcakes, as a general rule, tend to be a little dryer, more crumbly, than whole cakes. It's just the way they work. But at Delish we've gone in and reworked recipes so that the end result is basically a mini-cake, not cupcake, resulting in moist, decadent, light, fluffy little bits of heaven. Plus our buttercreams totally r0xb0x. Oh my gosh. And the really fabulous part about it all is that I cannot fathom loving this job any more than I already do. How lucky am I that I get to wake up, throw on some crappy clothes and an apron, and bake and sing and chit-chat all day long? It is so right up my alley and I've never been more excited about a job in my whole life. Let me reiterate what it is that I'm doing FOR A LIVING: making delicious/beautiful things and developing real relationships w/ the people around me and singing and dancing all day long. Is this really my life now? Which brings me to
C) This is my life now. And I love it. But, as previously stated in section A, I've been in a weird place lately. A pretty insecure place. Not unfamiliar territory for me, but also not my favorite place in the world (regardless of how well I know it). You see, lately I've been surrounded by people whose lives have taken a very different route. One of success and actual education. We're just at that age, I suppose. Everyone is finishing grad school or working on their Ph.D. or working in swagged-out offices downtown in high profile positions. And let's not forget the fact that everyone my age is in some sort of real relationship or has, at the very least, been on a date at some point in their life. And I'm a college drop-out working paycheck to paycheck in a bakery w/ not even the slightest hint of relationship possibility. When you look at it that way it's hard to justify it, ya know? The words "failure" and "idiot" and "spinster" come to mind pretty quickly. When Satan throws down the gauntlet like that I'm quick to surrender. I raise my white flag and follow him into the depths of self-doubt and all of a sudden I'm not just battling insecurity regarding my job but insecurity about everything from friends to appearance to what I had for breakfast. It's a bad place to be, take it from me. And a lonely place. I only tell you all this because it leads me to
D) where I am now and how I got here. When I let thoughts like that invade my mind, let them unpack and settle and become really comfortable in their new digs, I start living for me. My life becomes about ME. And that life sucks. It's isolated and depressing and beyond self-involved. We are not here for us. I am not here to worry about what I get out of life or what people think of me because I answer to a much higher authority. I have this friend, Joseph, who seems to strive more than most to live every day for the Lord. When I get all mopey and crazy and sad he always points me back my Savior and I'd like to share some words he wrote me a couple months ago when I was in the throws of, well, whatever this awful state of mind is:
"Do not love the world or the things that are in the world, because if you love the world then the love of God is not in you. This is a frightening statement and the sort that takes you off guard. Because we, who have not seen God at anytime, only have seen the world. The world, which was made by God, who is immeasurably glorious, is itself glorious in ways. But this is the surprising grace of God, if we are not the utmost pleasured, if we are not filled to the utmost with joy, then there is a grave problem and this is the sort of problem that He will not tolerate. He will only tolerate us filled up with joy. See, it is in His presence that joy is filled up, it is in His presence that pleasure never ends (Psalms 16:11). So, if you love the world, you have fallen short of the glory of God, you lack the glory of God because there's nothing that compares to that."
My problem was that I had stopped living in the presence of God. I wanted what I saw and ignored what I had. My heart was focused on everything others had that I didn't. I wasn't, as the song goes, counting my blessings one by one. How selfish of me! How arrogant! How could I be so blind to not see all I had been given? Not only did God open the doors necessary for me to follow a silly pipe dream but He walked with me as I pursued it and then set me up in a place where I can really dig my heels in and minister to the people around me. He's given me the opportunity to be a light and to focus on trivial things that will inevitably fade away instead of bringing glory to the only one who deserves it, well it's shameful to be honest. And still He chases after us. Still He wants to be the one we run to, the one we revel in. He is joy and peace and love overflowing and I'm so excited that I get to experience those things in Him. He never said this life would be easy, nothing worth it ever is. It's those rough spots that end up defining our faith. They're what God uses to polish us and sanctify us and strengthen us. I'm thankful for them. As tough as that is to say, it's true. Joy is something that, usually, comes very naturally to me. When God made me he gave me a little extra happy. But when it's gone, or seems to be at least, and I'm sad and depressed and world-focused, it's unbearable. If that's what it means to be separated from Christ, what it feels like, then my heart breaks for those who don't know this love.
"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who according to His great mercy has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to obtain an inheritance which is imperishable and undefiled and will not fade away, reserved in heaven for you, who are protected by the power of God through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you greatly rejoice, even though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been distressed by various trials, so that the proof of your faith, being more precious than gold which is perishable, even though tested by fire, may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ; and though you have not seen Him, you love Him, and though you do not see Him now, but believe in Him, you greatly rejoice with joy inexpressible and full of glory, obtaining as the outcome of your faith the salvation of your souls"
1 Peter 1:3-9
E) I know this is supposed to be a food blog with yummy full-proof recipes and instead I just dropped a heavy, emotion-laden, spiritual bomb on you. Sorry about that. In an attempt to redeem myself I offer you this:
The most amazing peanut butter and jelly bars on the face of the planet
They are SO good. And in case you don't want to actually make them, you can get them for the next five days @ Delish seeing as how they are this week's special. And don't forget to drop a buck or two in the tip jar. All of us split it at the end of the day. Help contribute to my Sonic Happy Hour Fund. It'll make you feel good inside.
XOXO,
Mindy
